I’m switching formats to a written blog for now. The podcast will return at some point…I just don’t trust myself not to say something I shouldn’t in the podcast, and I don’t have time to sit and edit.

So as most of you know by now, my sister was found murdered on July 16 of this year. She was by far my best and oldest friend. Every day when something cool or funny happens, I feel a hole because I cannot call to tell her about it. Even stuff that wasn’t necessarily her thing.

Case in point, this weekend was Dragon*Con. My sister was a math nerd, but not nearly as big a geek as I am. She never got into gaming or general geekery as much as I did, but I would call and tell her about it anyway. Jonathan Coulton was performing at the Variety Playhouse on Friday night, so Chuck and I went to the show, just expecting to have a good time. As I mentioned, geek stuff – not Nique’s thing, so I wasn’t expecting anything at all to back up on me that evening. It’s not like I was going to see an 80′s cover band or anything. (She was a huge 80′s fan having gone through HS in the 80′s.)

Paul and Storm came out to do their “Opening Band” shtick, and I of course squeed and jumped around like an idiot singing along and laughing at lines like “We’re gonna drink all their beer!” Before I knew it, I was sobbing. It was like I was being hit in the head with something that brought me great joy – now that Nique’ is gone, I will never be able to share it with her. She would have laughed unabashedly at Paul and Storm, ’cause let’s be honest – they are frikkin’ hilarious.

It only got worse when JoCo came out. He opened with “The Future Soon” which is probably the song of his that is most important to me. I know the lyrics are silly & about cyborgs and spacelabs, but essentially the song is about a kid that doesn’t fit in, and he is looking forward to the day when he doesn’t feel that way anymore. May as well have been written about my HS experience. I had sent Nique’ a JoCo song at one point – “Code Monkey” – and she loved it. She cracked up at it & said to me “You know, not only is it funny. It’s a really good song!!” like she was surprised that it would be. When he went from “The Future Soon” to “Shop Vac” I just sat there weeping openly in the middle of the concert.

I don’t think anyone noticed. We were off to the side at a table, so we weren’t really sitting that near to the closest people to us. At a glance I appeared to just be singing along with everyone else. It was a bizarre experience – like the things that brought me the greatest joy had become the things that would break me. I knew this already about some things. My kids, for example, but you expect to get emotional over your kids. The fact that now whenever one of them says something ridiculously snarky and cute, I can’t call her to tell her about it, is heartbreaking. Worse, the fact that my daughter most likely won’t remember her at all, or if she does, it will be a vague, hazy recollection with no real feeling attached to it. But again, these are the things I expect to back up on me, so typically they don’t, or at least not as badly. When you steel yourself, things make a loud noise when they bounce off, but they don’t tend to penetrate.

I never expected that geeking out over something my sister and I shared only minimally- which is to say I made her laugh with it once, and she associated it with me- would make me fall apart the way it did.

We stayed after the concert where Paul, Storm and JoCo were all signing autographs. We waited to be the last people in line so that I wouldn’t feel rushed to tell him about it. There is a little more to the story, but in the interest of not inviting douchebaggery towards Jonathan, I won’t go into the details. Suffice to say, he was previously aware of me and my sister, and was unbelievably gracious. He got up & asked if he could give me a hug. (Um, YES?!) I told him how she had loved “Code Monkey”. How if I sent her an IM bitching about having a bad day she’d tell me to go listen to it & chair dance it away. How she was a huge math nerd & that should would have dug “Mandlebrot Set”, and how every bit of joy I derive from his music is now something I won’t be able to share with her. Mostly how important his music was to me, and I thanked him for writing and playing it.

I left in a little puddle of mushy emotional goo and hoped that I hadn’t freaked him out too much. Sunday at Dragon*Con I made sure to find his merch booth to just go and say hi again, and buy his new CD. He told me how it was really moving that I shared that story with him and wouldn’t let me pay for the CD. He signed it, posed for a photo, and gave me another hug.

That was, by far, the coolest thing that happened to me at the con. And folks, I got to meet Wil Wheaton* at this con, so that is saying something. It is so amazing to me to see how kind people truly can be, even when they aren’t asked. I know that one day I will be able to bounce around like a dork at a JoCo show again without it enducing as many tears.

It’s gonna be the future soon. I won’t always be this way.

*Wil was awesome & gracious, and in fact remembered the bumper I had sent him for RFB. However, there was a huge line of people waiting to see him and pay for his autograph, so that meeting was very quick and sadly somewhat superficial. Next time, Wheaton. Next time!